* new office policy *

Dress Code
* You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
* If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
* If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
* We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
* Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks
* Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
* There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
* At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
* After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
* Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concern s, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
- effective August 28th, 2008